I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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