The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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