I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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