He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
