Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
