In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
