How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
