so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
