take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
