What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I want a musical about memes.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
