At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
