in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
