Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
