So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
