what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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