I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
