She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
