I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
