Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Come share oat with me in your robe
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
