so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
