Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
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There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
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Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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