You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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