so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
