I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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