sarcasm needs its own font
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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