Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
