I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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