TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
