make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
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Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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