My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
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The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
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Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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