I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
