dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
