i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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