now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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