It's like God shit irony all over that family
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
