My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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