dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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