You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
try to milk me bitch
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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