When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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