Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
she pinky promised me she was 18
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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