apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
