I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
This gyro tastes like lonliness
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
