The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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