Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
