This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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