what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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