I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
