how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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