I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
