on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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