last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize