I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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